How did I get here?

How did I get here?  How did I become a 40 year old home schooling crunchy Jewish mom.  I read the back of every label that I buy.  I use a filter to remove everything from my water, I bring my own bags to the store, use only planet based products, and I learned to heal myself from chronic back pain.  I am also a troop leader for my daughter's scout troop and I raise 2 autistic sons.  Did I say I home school three kids while working from home and living with Borderline personality disorder.  This may sound normal for other people but this is not who I thought I would me.
I was never this kind of person before I had kids but really before I had autistic kids.  I use to make fun of all natural people and don't get me start on the quacks that home school their kids.  Now, I am everything I never wanted to be and I am just learning how to be the new me.  This new me is the person who I am becoming against my will and writing this is to help me find my way in this new world that I am now a  reluctant member of.

So why am I this person if it is everything I don't want?
Because my kids have needs that the environmental poisoning is causing.
Because I suffered with chronic pain for 16 years.
Because  my daughter needs a mother who is a part of her life.
Because I need to live a healthier life to take care of my sons who may not ever be independent enough to take care of themselves.

I think the best place for me to start is by looking at the different self descriptors I have.  My story isn't more painful or sadder than other people's tales but I have to write it down to help with my anger management which keeps my chronic pain away. 
Really, the way I saw my life when I was younger was very different.  I thought I would travel a lot and I have.  I thought I would have 2 kids and pick up take out on the way home from picking them up from school.  I worried about how many states away my kids would move and if I would know my grand kids.  That was my life all laid out the way I wanted it.  Now, my worries are who will take care of the boys when we die?  Will they be put in a home for over 30 years?  What if my daughter doesn't want to care for them or her family doesn't want to?  What if they get cancer from not being able to get rid of toxins all because I give in and let them eat non organic gluten filled meals with a soda.  Those kinds of thoughts leads me to stay up all night researching saunas for detoxing, foods to help detox, and vitamins with folate and not folic acid.  This causes days of anxiety.  I feel that I need to solve the future's problems right now.  Just maybe if I find the right vitamin or super food or remove the right food from their diet then their inability to understand language will just be cured.  Maybe, they will be the lucky ones who go on to have normal lives with wives and kids.  It is more likely that they will live with me until I die and then they will be cared for by their sister.

"You can handle anything in the moment.  It is the fear of what might happen that undoes us." 

The fear of one day sitting back and thinking I could have done something or changed something a long the way and things would have turned out different and for the better.  I know that if it all turned out great I am 100% sure it will be because I worried this much.    If it turns out the same way it has been going thus far then I will feel I could have done something.  When will I know when to turn in the towel and let it go.  I think when they are adults I will feel like it is over and there will not be a miracle cure or just a sudden learning growth. But I am far away from that and I can't live life this unhappy and worried about the future.  I am missing out on the right now.

So now I have to start quieting my brain down.  I need to stop the anxiety so I can handle all these things I need to do and for the fight for what is best for my family.  I plan to just write down whatever I am thinking each day and see if I can work on it all one issue at a time.