Autism is not the saddest thing but it is one of them.

Each day I need to just write and get the stuff out of my head and in print.  I am told it will help with my healing.  I have anger issues and chronic back pain which writing is suppose to help. So I guess the random thing I am struggling with today is Autism.

Well,  today I would say Autism is not the saddest thing but it is one of them.

So, your kid isn't dying but they will never live on their own or take care of themselves.  60% of autistic kids are nonverbal. 

Milestones for a normal child is different than an milestone for an autistic child.  When Kelly does something I feel pain because I think how happy I would have been if he would have done this at 2 yrs old instead of at 6 yrs old.  With a normal kid you are happy when the milestones are hit early and with an autistic kid you become happier when the milestones are hit later because you thought it was never going to come at all.  This means you are happy when your 18 month old repeats I love you.  But you will be so filled with so much happiest that you will cry and your knees go weak when your 7 yr old says I love for the first time.  Because you never thought it would happen and there was a good chance that it wouldn't have happened at all. (I am still waiting for this day)  For many people it doesn't happen at all.

Finding out that your child is autistic is the saddest thing I have ever felt.  There is so much fear and worry.  Raising a child with Autism isn't so hard for everyone but the fear of who will take care of them when I die.  Will they be put in a home.  Will they understand why they are there and will they be mistreated.  Will they understand that they are there because we are all dead and does that scare them.
That is my fear because I can make their life happy and fun but I can only live so long.
I can't control what happens to them after I die and that is what is so terrifying about having a kid with Autism.

I then feel guilty because I have set Gray (my 10 yr old daughter) up for this life.  It is rare to be in a family with someone who is mental disabled and it is double rare to have two mentally disabled brothers.  There is a part of her life she will have no say over.   She will have to live in a home taking care of her two adult brothers.  I am sorry.  I am sorry that my husband has 2 sons with autism and this is not the life he wanted for himself.   He never wanted kids and I gave him 2 kids that will never leave us.  I am sorry to myself because I crippled myself for 19 months with chronic pain that was caused from fear, worry, and  because I didn't want to admit this to myself and the people I know.

I didn't want people to believe it was genetic.  You can't have a genetic epidemic.  And people will see us and assume that is what causes it but it doesn't.  We need to look at the mother's of the autistic kids instead of the kids. The toxic environment in which the baby is in while developing is the problem.  Our wombs are toxic and some kids can't take the toxic levels and it causes brain damage or the brain not to develop.  These kids are then not able to handle toxins when they are born.  Where other kids can get a bunch of shots and are fine because their body can handle the toxins an autistic child can't handle toxins and so they get fevers, vomit, and have watery poop.  They scream for hours and they then develop tics and loose language.  Each time they are exposed to a toxin they could get sicker and the autism could get worse. So it isn't that babies get sick after the shots and become autistic as a side effect.  I believe they are autistic and suffer the side effect of the sickness and then tics because they are autistic and exposed to the toxins.  So if your kid gets very sick after a shot it isn't that the shot caused it but exposed it.  But an autistic kid shouldn't be exposed to toxic things because they can't filter them out like a normal kid.  They can't even handle wheat and casein so they really shouldn't have any poisonous shots into their system. But I know others who have had different out comes with shots like death or permanent injuries. So I am just speaking for me. 

 https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/newborn-babies-chemicals-exposure-bpa/

https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/12/31/232-toxic-chemicals-found-in-10-babies.aspx